Getting my first lipedema surgery has brought up all the feelings. I have never had a surgery before other than removal of wisdom teeth. I am a big wimp. When we got there the clinic had me put on a bikini. WTH. As a plus size aging woman, that was hard. Dr. Hagerty said in Germany they give you nothing to wear. I also felt ashamed that I didn't shave again that morning. Listen, I was raised by hippies and went to college during a time that people gave up shaving. And as an "old lady" why should I? But my inner teen was so ashamed that I forgot.
For the most part, the surgery went off perfectly. No pain the day of surgery. Also, the laughing gas was no problem. My husband said I was quite funny when he came to get me. I had forbade him to film it, though he might not have anyway.
The recovery has generally been going well also. My biggest complaint is stiffness. Listen, I have no core strength. This is totally my bad. But it contributes to my impaired mobility, especially in bed. (That just means I could not roll over at first and it is hard to sit up in the morning. I also use a cane to stand up the first time). Also, I've never had pain meds before (except maybe with the wisdom teeth). I am grateful for it, but I am not a huge fan. I wonder if it's made me a bit more emotional. There have been moments that I wonder if I will move forward with further surgeries. I have to explore my ambivalence.
I was scheduled somewhat last minute and didn't have time to think about taking more time off. I had to do some late cancellations with my work clients. I wonder if they called me to schedule my first surgery because they had a cancellation open up? Anyway... Take time off!
COLLAGE
I had started this collage for another reason and made a copy to finish for this purpose. It is based on the concept of inner parts (Internal Family Systems theory, but there are other sources). I have a lot of internalized fat phobia. I "know better."
The bottom of the collage showing childhood images of me. I also added the goddess Persephone who was abducted to the underworld. I grew up on welfare with a single mom who was distracted and undereating herself. I became obsessed with sugar. As a teen, I felt ugly and unpopular. I also felt fat, but it was just the start of lipedema. I had no way of knowing that. I hope some teens get identified with growing knowledge about lipedema in the future.
IFS has two opposing parts based essentially on anxiety and depression. On the left of the collage, I am depicting how I manage my life and attempt to ignore my body or any feelings about it. I added Athena near this side.
On the right is the despair that started in adolescence and lurks in the background all the time. I have gained and lost 75 lbs. 4 or 5 times in my life, not exactly sure. I am at the heaviest of my life. I added Venus of Willendorf. I am turning 60 this year. I am scared for my health and I feel a lot of guilt for doing less than I should have to take care of my body during my life. A few times recently I had sobbed with just the tip of the iceberg of sadness here.
This middle (or top) of the collage represents Self Energy, which is our true self or higher self, that which is not a part but the whole. Here I added Hygeia goddess of healing.
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collage